Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
