Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
