Nicole vs. Life
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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