his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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