There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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