i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
