You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
