she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
