and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Randomize
