i always forget guys have bellybuttons
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
