I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
