Will you blow on my dice?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
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You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
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