I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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