my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
