Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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