so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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