drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
