Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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