i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
