I haven't been this sober since birth.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
