Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Women Are Tweeting Photos Of Their Underwear To Support Rape Victim Whose Thong Was Cited During Trial
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
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Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner