Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?