Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Randomize
