I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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