bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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