a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
