I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize