I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
