I am puke
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
