I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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