I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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