i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
