i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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