I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
