Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
