I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
