I accidentally burped into my bong.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
