for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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