if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
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