So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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