its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
