mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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