Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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