Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
