If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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