Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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