Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
two words: eviction party
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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