Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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