Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
