Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
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Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
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So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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