Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
