he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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