just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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