I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
