nut hugger
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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