That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
