dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
i think i just lost a toe
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
