I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
