I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
