I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
