false alarm. still invincible.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
3pm strippers are depressing
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
