i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?