Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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