he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
